Title: Cry
Author: Jessica  ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: Doggett angst, V
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: None
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles	
Summary: Doggett finds his son dead. 
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong 
to FOX and they are not mine.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar 
mistake may occur.

Dark clouds came in from the west and brought with it cold 
rain. The sun went in hiding behind the clouds and left the
earth in the mercy of the rain.
I'm standing by the window watching the rain come down outside.
It has been raining for days now or at least it feels like 
that. But I don't care. The sky could be falling and I still
wouldn't care. 
I can hear her moving around upstairs. I know I should go to 
her. I should be there by her side and hold her. I should be
the strong one. But I just want to stand here for a while and
take in the world. I just want to stand here and feel if I'm
still alive. Or am I just a ghost that moves around this house?
I feel myself fading away with every breath I'm taking. I just
wish that death would come and take me away. I want to 
surrender to this pain. But I know that I can't and I won't let
myself go. She needs me still. I will not leave her side. 

Her voice is just a whisper as she says my name. I'm standing
in the doorway to our bedroom. She is laying on the bed still 
dressed in her nightgown. Her face is pale and her hair has 
lost the shine it once had. I know that she's fading away from
me as I'm fading away from her. 
I wish I could save her but I know I can't. 
I can't save anyone. 
She reaches out for me and I go to her. Her eyes is so dark
and hollow that I fear that I'm going to drown if I look at 
her. She sits up and takes my hand in hers. Her hand is cold
in mine. Without saying a word I place my arms around her. She
feels so fragile in my arms. I fear that if I hold her too 
tight she is going to break. It feels so good to hold her. 
Her voice is just a whisper as she speaks.
" John, I don't know if I can take this."
" Yes, you can. We can make it together."
" I'm not strong like you."
" Yes, you are. You are the strongest person I have ever 
known."
" You lie. "
" He'll come back to us. You have to believe that."
" I don't know if I can. "
" Yes, you can."
" Oh, John. Just hold me. Never let go". 
I hold her like my life is depending on it. I can almost hear
the beating of her heart. 
I lay her down on the bed and lay down beside her. I watch as
she closes her eyes and let the dreams take her away from this
world. I caress her cheek and whisper her name into the dark. 
I hope it's beautiful where she is. She needs her sleep. She 
needs to find peace. 
When I know she's sleeping calmly I slip from the bed. I know
that I will not find peace in the sweet release of sleep. My
dreams are without control. 
My legs feels like made of iron as I move through the house
towards his room. My hands are shaking as I open the door. I 
stand in the doorway afraid to go in. I can feel his presence
so strong as I enter the room. My feelings is so strong that 
it almost makes me grasp for air. 
The room is left like he never left. The bed is made and if 
you look closely you can almost see that is made by a child's 
hand. I remember when he first learned how to make his own 
bed. He was so proud than. As soon as I got home that day he
came to get me. 
" Daddy! Daddy! Come and see!" He shouted and took my hand. 
He brought me upstairs and showed me the bed. His whole face
was shining like a star. 
I can still see him standing there looking so proud. 
I walk around the room taking everything in. I run my hand over
his desk. My hands are shaking as I pick up a shirt that is 
hanging over a chair. His shirt. I close my eyes as I place it
against my cheek. His scent is still lingering in the fabric. 
My legs give away as I press my nose into the fabric. 
"My boy". 
I crumble to the floor. 
" My little boy......"
I want to scream out. It feels like I'm going to explode. It
hurts so. 
Her voice brings me back to reality. She calls out my name.
She needs me. 
I rise. My legs feel weak as I place the shirt on the chair. 
I have no time for crying. I refuse to cry. There are still 
time. He will come back to me. All I have to do is believe. 

The sound of the phone ringing pierced the silence 
of the house.
I woke slowly. I wanted to linger in the sweet release of my
dreams. I had finally surrendered and fallen asleep. 
It was still dark outside when I rose from the bed. Barbara
was still sleeping beside me. She had slipped from my grasp 
sometimes during the night. She don't want me to hold her 
anymore. She used to fall asleep in my arms. She said she 
felt so safe there. These days she pushes me away when I want
to hold her. She doesn't say anything, but I can read in her
eyes what she is thinking.  
My voice is a bite rugged as I answer the phone. 
Five minutes later I hung up. My hands were shaking and my 
legs felt so weak. 
They had found him. My boy is coming home. Barbara sat up in 
bed and looked at me. 
"What?"
I just starred at her. I can't believe. I have dreamt about
this day for so long now that I almost begun to doubt that it
ever will happen.
" They have found him. Our boy is coming home. Luke is coming
home."

I have several medals and prizes on my wall that tells the 
story of a hero. I have fought battles. I have fought enemies
that I never saw. I have been a fighter, a strong man. 
I have always believed that I could do anything. I could 
survive anything and I could take anything. 
But now when I'm standing here by my car I feel so small.
I feel so alone.
The sun has graced us with is presence as I stand here on 
this field in the middle of nowhere. I will forever remember 
this place. It will be branded into my memory until that day
I die. I know it.  
Monica Reyes is standing just some meters from me. Local police
has also come. 
I'm not here as an officer of the law. I'm here as a father.
But I can't make my legs move. They won't move. I cling to the
car like it could save me for what is to come. I want to stay
here believing that this will be a happy ending. 
But I know the truth now. They have told me.
It takes all my strength to move towards the spot where they
are standing. I have a hard time breathing as they move away. 
He is lying on his stomach. His beautiful eyes is open 
starring into the distance. I can hear Monica Reyes saying my
name. But I can't speak. My mouth won't move. 
I can't breathe.
My boy. My Luke.
I feel myself falling. I fall to my knees beside him. 
The grass is still damp after the rain. 
His hair is longer than I remember. He seems bigger somehow. 
My hands are shaking as I reach out and take his hand in mine. 
It feels so cold. How small it seems in mine, so fragile. 
My boy. My son. My love. 
The sun warms my face as I whisper his name. I know it silly. 
I know it stupid to ever believe. But it looks like he 
sleeping. I have wished for so long to touch him again, to hold
him again. I reach out my hand and touch his hair, his cheek,
his face. 
It feels like I'm going to explode. Let the pain 
come. I don't care anymore. Let death come. I don't care. 
How can I survive this? Do I want to?
" Luke. My boy." 
I lift him up from the damp grass. He won't lay here a minute
longer. He needs to be warm.
I don't care what they say. Put me in jail. See if I care.
I pull him closer to me. I cradle him close to my heart, like
I used to hold him when he was a baby. He feels so cold against
my skin, so fragile. 
"My boy. I love you. I will take you away from this place. I 
will get you warm. Daddy is here."
I rise. My legs feel weak as I carry him away from this place.
I won't let them take him away once again. I will never let 
go. Not again. Not ever.
I begin to walk. Silence all around. I can feel their eyes 
on me. Nobody stops me. 
"We are going home now. You are going home now, my son."

I take him to the hospital and let them take him away. But just
for a while. I stay by his side as long as I can. 
I know what they have to do. I know it's the only way to catch
the man who did this to Luke. But I don't want anyone touching
again. I want him to be safe and untouched. I don't want to 
disturb him when his lying there lost in beautiful dreams. 
But I surrender to them and let them take him away. 
I sit down on a chair in the waiting room. I'm still amazed 
that I'm actually standing. Why am I alive?
Her voice pierces the silence of the hospital. Barbara. She
runs towards me. Her eyes are dark with pain. Her face is the
face of a ghost. It will kill her. I have killed her as I 
killed our son. Take me away. Take my life. I don't deserve to
walk on this earth.
"Where is he? They won't let me see him! Tell me where he is!"
I close my eyes for a while to find strength to tell her the 
news that will crush her. 
" Barbara, I...He is..."
I can't say the words. I can't do that to her. But I don't have
to. She can see it in my eyes. She stares at me as tears 
makes it presence known. 
" John, no..."
I reach out my hand to take her in my arms but she refuses.
"Don't touch me!"
"Barbara, there where never anything we could do."
" Don't say that! Our son. Luke!!! "
She screams out in pain and falls to the floor.
I have to be strong now. I have to take care of her. 
She needs me now more than ever.
I take her in my arms and let her cry on my shoulder. I feel
so numb. I feel dead inside. I feel absolutely nothing. 
"Honey, we will catch the man who did this. Believe me, we will
catch him."
She breaks free from my embrace and looks at me.
" Damn you, John Doggett! Damn you and your job! Our son is 
dead. DEAD!!!!! Luke...You and your god damn job killed him."
Hate, anger and pain paint her face in different colors. 
" Barbara, I.... Don't.."
" No! You did this!"
She screams out my name and comes at me with raised fists. In 
my head a little voice is whispering that she's right. She 
slam her fists against my chest, harder and harder while she
is screaming that I killed her son. I let her be. I stand there
and take every blow. For every blow I feel a piece of my heart
dying. Finally she stops and I reach out my hand to touch her
but she slips from my grasp. 
" I hate you, John. I will never forgive you for this. "
She looks at me with so much hate that I almost stumble 
backwards. Then she walks away from me. 
I stand there watching her go, longing to feel her arms 
around me.

The rain came to pay us a visit the day we laid him to rest. 
It was a small service. Just the closest friends and family. 
We laid him to rest on a small hill below an oak-tree. I think
he would like it. 
Barbara is standing by my side as we listen to the priest
speaking. She is holding a single red rose to place on his 
coffin. I have one also. It's the only thing I have to cling to.
I reach out for her hand but she pushes me away. I never 
believed that her pushing me away could hurt so. I never 
believed I could feel anything again. I look at her but she 
avoids my eyes. I want to scream out in pain. I want to call 
out her name. I want her arms around me. I want to cry in her
arms. I want her to tell me that I didn't kill my own son. 
I want someone to save me from myself. But I know that I'm 
alone. 
I stand there watching them lower the coffin into the grave. 
I kiss the rose and let it carry my message into the dark 
grave. 
" I love you, my son. I will always love you."
Barbara is standing a long time at the grave. I walk up to her
and touch her hand.
" Let me take you home. "
" Leave me alone, John. Never touch me again. "
She turns away from me. 
Pain, that old friend of mine, comes to visit. 

I walk towards my car through the rain. 
I stand a long time at my car and let the rain washes over me.
Then finally I surrender to everything and let myself cry. 
In my head a voice is whispering that I'm a killer. 
For the first time in a long time I start to believe.


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